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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  February 22, 2013 1:30am-2:00am PST

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join us next week at 1:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> you may be paying for snapper and getting at that lapa instead. a staggering new report shows fish fraud is off the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause]
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[crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] folks, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, you know if you watch this show, if you read the news, if you know what is going on in america there's no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. i mean, transportation secretary ray lahood? why? because his name's got a car part in it? that's a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next? secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel? now he wants the new defense secretary to be former republican senator chuck hagel. thankfully, today 15 republican senators demanded the withdrawal
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of hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. senate republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in hagel's past. for instance, he was once a senate republican. [laughter] and now, according to conservative news anger-gregator, hagel may have taken money from an organization called "friends of hamas." friends of hamas! that's serious! being friends with a muslim terrorist is a big commitment. you've got to be a groomsman in all four of their weddings. i mean, the suicide vest rentals alone! [laughter] folks, this bombshell lit up the conserv-osphere. >> let me bring up one piece of information that ben shapiro at breitbart put out today, which is one of the foreign funders behind senator hagel that he has not yet disclosed formally is something called friends of hamas.
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>> you know i saw that information today, also, and that is more and more concerning. >> there was a report that came out last week, not confirmed yet. but we-- also not denying it very vigorously that one of the groups behind the speeches may have been an outfit called friends of hamas. >> that has a ring to it. zint? >> stephen: oh, it has a ring to it. a ring that goes something like this: and folks -- [cheers and applause] friends of hamas is even worse than it sounds because this organization is so sinister that it doesn't even exist. [ laughter ] turns out, hagel's link with "friends of hamas" goes back to daily news reporter dan friedman who asked a republican senate aide looking for dirt in hagel's past if hagel had given a speech to the junior league of hezbollah or the friends of hamas.
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assuming that no one could take seriously the idea that organizations with those names existed. [laughter] why wouldn't you take it seriously? i mean, if there's no junior league of hezbollah, who puts out the cookbook of bomb recipes? [laughter] besides, the fact that these organizations don't exist only makes it more suspicious that chuck hagel has been tied to them. what else is he hiding that hasn't happened? is he a member of the al qaeda kidz club? [laughter] what about the muslim brotherhood? or the muslim sisterhood of the traveling pants? [cheers and applause] and what about non-islamic non-existent groups? has chuck hagel ever given a speech to cobra? or for that matter cobra kai? has he received donations from the lollipop guild? [laughter] what are his ties to the dead poet's society? and why are they dead? did they know too much about benghazi?
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[laughter] president obama, withdraw hagel's nomination, or you will lose the support of moderate republicans, another group that doesn't exist. [cheers and applause] folks, my favorite thing about sports is stadiums named after corporations. it's win-win. the teams get money, and the corporations get advertising that really works. i mean, going to coors field makes me crave the silver bullet. and any time i go to see the patriots play at gillette stadium, i'm as hairless as a newborn mole rat. [laughter] but i was especially pumped about the latest company to get in on the stadium naming action. >> after more than two years florida atlantic university's football stadium has a name. >> it's named after a prison company.
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>>it will be called geo group stadium after get this the nation's largest operator of for profit prisons. they made a $6 million donation. >> stephen: that's right. a private prison company is sponsoring a sports venue. it's like bank of america stadium only this company believes in punishment for crime. [laughter] [cheers and applause] it's about time! folks -- it's about time we started embracing forprofit incarcertion. i mean, what's the point of taking homicidial maniacs off the streets if no one's making coin off it? [laughter] of course, naysayers are in a snit just because the geo-group's prisons have been accused of unnecessary deaths of people in their custody. that children detained in its facilities suffered cruel treatments. and that geo group's walnut grove youth correctional facility had a "pervasive level of brazen staff sexual misconduct.
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brazen sexual misconduct? that's a natural fit with football. [laughter] this criticism is one of the downsides of paying millions of dollars to have people pay attention to your company. people pay attention to your company. and asking ridiculous invasive questions like "so the money you're using to pay for these naming rights on a school building came from profits you made locking up children and occasionally abusing them?" while ignoring more important questions like, "is the money green?" whraf whraf. [laughter] besides, fans across the country love "free hat day." think how much they'll love holding sharpened spoon "free shiv made from a broken spoon night." [laughter] personally i think they love broken spoon night. so i think america needs more intergration of athletics and for-profit private incaceration. [laughter] i mean, the chinese are way
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ahead of us on this. they have already perfected a system where you can go to prison and end up playing football-- forever. [laughter] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] thank you so much, nation. you know --
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nation, i'm not a kid any more, but i am young at heart. which reminds me-- send thank-you note to team of surgeons and flowers to baboon's next of kin. [laughter] and like all of my fellow youthsters, i love viral marketing-- so radical, so fizzocused-grouped, you can't help but to vine them on to your friendsters aged 18-34 with disposable income across diverse social-media platforms. [laughter] awesome sauce. so with my old youth antennas up, you can bet i noticed earlier this week when burger king's corporate twitter account was hacked to look like it was mcdonald's twitter account! mind equals blown! [laughter] also heart equals clogged. [laughter]
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but here's what makes this story rad to the max. during they were hacked they got many for twitter followers. the next day it looked like the hackers struck again. >> hackers taking aim at more twitter accounts just a day after burger king's account was hacked bet and mtv hacked them. >> bet and mtv said the other company attacked them. >> for dawd mtv's page was hacked to show the bet logo the the only thing more shock would have been if one of them had shown a music video. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] and and the whackest revelation was yet to come from both
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network's parent company and mine viacom. >> the company came out and said that it had indeed been a hack hack attack. they admitted they staged the entire thing. it was a hoax. mtv tweeted saying we capfished you guys. thanks for playing. >> stephen: we were totally catfished. they made us fall in love by the fact that we were duped by synergies. summer redstone you crazy millenniael. this off the hook markets is certain to build brand awareness. i just hope this eyeball driving doesn't happen to my twitter feed and boot boost it 30%. let's check in with my director of teen out rich (bleep) so
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we'll check in with our director of teen outreach and internet security glenn. [cheers and applause] wassup, bro-ham. >> sorry to rustle your jitters but we were hacked by vh-1 classic. >> stephen: oh, snap. >> that (bleep) is craze. yolo. gman out! [laughter] >> stephen: glenn, everybody. [cheers and applause] what is that hip? nation, this is terrible, this is terrible. everyone quick go join my
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twitter page at stephenathome right now to see the extreme hack that has caught me completely by surprise. oh, no my twitter fed has the logo of increasingly popular video hits one classic and take a look at this hack tweet his no control over. vh1 classic all music all the time plus reruns of married with children #vh1classichack. i hope we can fix this security breach before it increases brand awareness for our platforms. if i can't get you i'll call my cable provider to make sure you are available on my local cable system. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]>> stephen,
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everybody. my guest tonight is a former street performer who went on to dance with yoyoma in china. please welcome lil buck! [cheers and applause] thanks for coming on. nice to meet you. >> nice to meet you, too. >> stephen: can i call buck? >> call me, buck, man. >> stephen: hey, buck. i caught your moves on youtube. >> you watched my video. >> stephen: i watched little
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buck goes to -- lil buck goes to china. >> chinese moves. >> stephen: i've got my own moves. >> okay. >> stephen: you started off as a street performer doing something called jookin. >> it's like book but with a j. >> stephen: jookin. for people not as hip orfully as me, what is jookin. >> we call it mrs. jookin because it originated almost 30 years in memphis, tennessee there it started with a line dance called a gang is it a walk. >> stephen: what is that? >> they call thought because a lot of people like from the urban neighborhoods or from the hood or, um, they used to a -- it was like a confident line dance. mind if you show you? >> stephen: no, please. >> so the gang is it a walk was
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like a -- gangster walk you see it in crystal palace. we used to go to skating rinks when we were younger. it's like a confident step. [cheers and applause] gang ster walking evolved to jookin. they call it that because a lot of people did it. it was like a sore errority line. if you interrupted or walked through it it was like -- >> stephen: wow. so it's like west side story situation where you are -- gangs fighting with dancing. >> without the any ofs, of course. >> stephen: the dancing itself is so sharp. [ laughter ] this is incredible. you've taken this to another level. someone saw you who was in the ballet world. how did you get discovered by classical dancer? >> i got discovered because i used to be a part of a group called sub culture royalty and we used to practice in a ballet studio called new ballet
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ensemble in schools in memphis, tennessee. when we were rehearsing there the ballet instructor was also there. we were rehearsing the hip-hop. i was doing hip-hop and jookin. there's a difference between them. >> stephen: you don't have to tell me, i know that. >> of course. the teacher saw me spinning on my toes. i did four spins, probably five, six, seven, eight -- she saw me and said i have to give this kid a scholarship and put him if a class. we were just rehearsing there. i was like i don't know ballet. the first thing that came to mind was tights? no. and then -- but -- >> stephen: they said you don't have to wear the tights. >> yeah. >> stephen: now there's this video. you went over to china with yo yo ma. >> yes. >> stephen: to dance among other things swan lake and meryl
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streep, too. >> i love her. >> stephen: does she jook? >> now she does. merrill streep a big fan of it. it was awesome going to china. it was amazing. they really take it in. they really loved it. meryl streep she learned bug jumper, too. >> stephen: what is bug jumper 2? >> no, too. you want to try it. >> stephen: i'll try it. what is it? >> let me show you. this is beginner bug jump. it's like you think knee up. you want your chest to meet your knee. not too much you know but one, two, three, four and that's it. >> stephen: one, two, three four. >> amazing! [cheers and applause] >> now ooze your hands like puppet masters and these are your puppets. go one, two, throw, four. >> stephen: one, two, three, four. [cheers and applause] >> all right. now do you it. now you can do it.
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>> stephen: did you do something for us? >> absolutely! >> stephen: listen. we'll be right back for a performance by lil buc
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stststeempleg here to jook accompanied by jason yang, lil buck. [cheers and applause]
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